Am I a Masochist?

Vanity can drive one to the most ridiculous of decisions.

Derek finally put up the mirrored closet doors in the bathroom. They are directly across from the jacuzzi tub. It adds a whole new dimension to the room and the bath experience itself , its almost a bonus to witness yourself relaxing, and you get twice the light from the surrounding candles.

But last month, when I caught the sight of my own naked ass getting into the tub in those huge mirrors, my heart almost stopped in my chest.

That is NOT my ass!

How and when did this happen?

Okay, admittedly I probably don't spend nearly enough time in front of the mirror naked. And who looks at the back of themselves anyway? Too hard on the neck. Unless I'm trying on a new pair of jeans, I don't even go there.

I don't want to sound conceited, but I've always thought I had a nice ass. And I've had enough bullshit in my life to feel strangely entitled to my lack of weight and body issues. After giving birth to both of my sons I was back in my regular clothes in less than three months. Without exercise.

Well, my luck finally ran out.

I'm not a gym girl. I get distracted easily at the best of times and the thought of working out on machines seems so...impersonal. Running is out of the question, my knees are hating it. I have target areas I want help in...I want the ass of a 24 year old. And if my breasts are too small to fill a bra, they better learn to stand up on their own. My legs could always look better and I'd like to build some more muscle on my back. I'd like to have a strong core.

I am emerging from ten years of monogamy...I haven't thought about what my naked body would look like to someone else in almost a decade! The last time I got naked with someone for the first time I knew I looked okay. There was so "bad side" or "good side".

So I prayed, just a quick prayer, in my car on the way to work. It went something like this, "Creator, just show me quickest way to the body of my dreams."

And it was like the gates of heaven opened, and in walked Mike Chomitsch, my first reading of the day. Mike is Co-owner of Evolution Strength and Conditioning. Operating out of Legends Training Center, their slogan is "Only the Strong Survive". Mike was so enthusiastic about his program that when he told me with great confidence that he could deliver the body if i would show up and do the work, I was sold.

"You'll love kettlebells!" he promises.

Wtf are kettlebells? Turns out they are these cast iron balls with a flat bottom that are a lot heavier than they look. They come in different weights from 10 to 106 lbs. According to Mike, they are one of the most versatile tools in the industry and are far superior to free weights and machines.

And portable with the little handle and all. If you don't mind the odd hernia, that is.

So I showed up on Monday, as I usually show up, naive and without any expectations. There were a couple of strippers that were trying out the kettlebell method as well. I always wondered what they did to keep in shape...

Somehow I always thought they would lean towards pilates...

In hindsight, I was probably feeling a little cocky. I have great physical endurance, and can run 3km without breaking a sweat. As a matter of fact, I hardly sweat at all while exercising.

Ten minutes with a kettlebell and the sweat was dripping off my face onto the mat.

Mike went through some initial preparatory exercises with me before he would let me touch a kettlebell. Truthfully, he had me sweating before I picked the goddamn kettlebell up.

With a soaked t-shirt and trembling thighs I walked out of Legends an hour later, feeling as if my feet were encased in cement shoes. Lunges-smunges...they have nothing on this workout.

Last night, laundry basket on my hip, I moaned like a woman ravaged with every step up the stairs to my bedroom. Who knew how often one engages the hamstring muscle in one's day to day activities? I discovered that it is actually less painful to perch one's ass above the toilet seat, straining overused muscles with the act of balancing than to endure the hard landing on an unyielding toilet seats. I thought of those convenient handrails in the large bathroom stalls in the mall and wondered if they come in brushed chrome to match the rest of my bathroom.

Yesterday I wondered if it really was the gates of heaven that released Mike into my life.

Today I can walk without wincing. Just in time for my second session tomorrow.

Mike seems relatively unconcerned about my soreness. I think the word he used was "excellent". This, in my mind, makes him a bit of a sadist.

But the proof of the pudding is in the eating. And proof we shall have. Hannah has agreed(without much enthusiasm, I might add) to take a picture of my naked behind "pre-kettlebell". So the BEFORE and AFTER pictures will be up here for review.

Mike can be reached at kettlebellkings@gmail.com