A Course in Miracles is Messing with my Head

I feel like I am experiencing a liberation from insanity. What a crazy experience to be having at a very interesting time in my life. Looking back, I can't even count the number of times my written word has gotten me into trouble. Being in Grade Four and passing notes in school and the feeling of my cheeks flushing when The Universal Law of Passing Notes in School, you know, the one in which the tightly folded wad of paper will eventually end up in the hands of the one who has the biggest mouth, or worse, your teacher, wound up being the lesson of the day. Later, it was diaries or journals being read by boyfriends and husbands and the Spanish Inquisition that followed later. My former in-laws even read parts of one of my journals that disclosed personal information that they were apparently quite disturbed about. Eventually, I put a written disclaimer in the front page of my journals warning any potential readers that these were my illusions, my journeys, and no one is allowed to debate my thoughts and opinions. For they really mean nothing. And now I just have detached. I am glad that I have kept all of those journals. They are a testament to the fact that one can take shitty self-created situations and reach another plane of awareness. You don't have to meditate in India for 6 months to find the Divine in everything. You just have to be curious. And aware. And the more self aware I became, the more candid I became. I have known all my life that I have some kind of purpose. When I was a child, I had dreams of disasters and out of body experiences that gave me a genuine concern about the state of the planet. I contemplated Oneness, all the while feeling a stranglehold in my solar plexus, since I was four or five years old. Learning to read was a total Godsend, and when the adults around me couldn't answer my questions, I turned to books and encyclopedias. Indeed, I believe if we look at our childhood, when we were exactly as God made us, without much human interference with our development, our daydreams and fantasies give foreshadowings to our gifts and greatness. And mine was talking and writing. My family must have gotten much relief when I started to write and kept my questions to myself.

So it seemed pretty natural to have an online journal regarding what I see as an Ascension Process. My tools of choice thus far are:

• Making use of every fine professional at Andnow Center
• A Course in Miracles
• Meditation
• Yoga
• Renouncing attachment to tobacco
• My separation with Derek

These are my Goals

• See with God's eyes, Perfect Trust
• Being in the world, but not of it
• Weight gain of mmm...15 pounds
• Holy relationships
• Perfect Health
• Perfect Service
• Master the Universal Laws of Conscious Creation

So I figure that through ACIM, (the Course) that I can learn to work the illusion in my favor, and see the way Christ did. Unconditional love all the way around. Love without attachment is also important to me. The quitting smoking will result in immediate weight gain, which naturally will drive me to exercise, and the emotional crap brought up by the withdrawal will pull out any leftover illusions. Sounds simple. That's when the blog might get a little messy. I also want to put this new awareness to the test...I have too many planets in the 12th house to know for sure what I have hidden in the closet.

I don't even know why there is this drive to be my own lab rat in this process. Possibly it is the belief that you can't take another higher than you have gone yourself. I just want to try everything. Right now, my dream is to manifest a new kind of community, where we can grow our own food organically, create a smaller footprint that doesn't take away from nature; it blends or adds to it. Where everyone has their "thing" and their "thing" contributes to the whole. And we all live on 10% of our income and can use our money to teach and travel and connect with one another and have miracles all the time. Learning and teaching new clean ways to create energy, heat and power. Minds of the world uniting. Now I know I can't be the only one with this dream. Somehow we will all find each other, the same way we find all the people who are important to us in this life; synchronicity.

The Course in Miracles has been integral in this process. If you've "read it", you should read it again...

This is the end...of illusions

Wow. That is all I can say as I gaze around this new existance in childlike wonderment. Has all of this been here all along? Have my eyes been that closed? How is it possible that there is so much goodness out there.

My transformation totally required my willingness to make the changes necessary in all parts of my being: the mental, emotional AND physical...simultaneously. Wow. What the heck was I so scared of? There were no monsters under the bed.

I look around and all I can see are miracles in progress, the divine intelligience that naturally aligns us with what we need most of all. It all makes me so, so, well so darn...curious!

Yesterday, whilst having a heated conversation with Black Iris in her "potion room", the office chair I was leaning back in abruptly threw me backward. My tailbone was whacked rudely whilst I simultaneously cracked the crown of my head on her large glass table stocked high with potion ingredients. She was concerned (laughingly, mind you) if I was okay and once it was established that I was, we had a good chuckle about it. As I took physical inventory I suddenly became very aware of my throbbing tailbone. It hurt so intensely that it took 20 minutes to notice that the top of my head was also singing a different vibrational tune. According to A Course in Miracles...a chair is not a chair, so a table is not a table, and if the body is nothing more than a means of communication, my falling off a chair and hitting my body in those precise places means something. Chair's support you...I'm being philosophic at the time of the fall, the table is where I sit and do my work, in the case of this particular table, transformational work. My crown and base chakra's represent divine wisdom and existance on earth. Supporting oneself through divine intelligience. Taking the path the creator set out for me.

This morning, I arrived at Andnow Center to see the Shaman Sarah Salter Kelly, whom I had an appointment with, for what we were not exactly sure. She gave me a clearing, during which I felt a total kundalini surge, and emerged from her office feeling complete...clean. Chakra's rebooted. Haven't heard from my tailbone since. I am so grateful to have the best of the best in their fields in my own backyard. What a gift she gave me today. We have never had anything less than miracles together. Thank you Sarah, for always being willing to share your superpowers so generously, always trusting your inner wisdom. I am truly blessed to know you...

I picked a Universal Law Card when I arrived home from work today and got the Universal Law of Service.

Tonight, my son Riley and I ventured out in my truck with Miko because for some strange reason I felt compelled to go to the river. Even during the short 3 minute drive (I know, I know, why drive 3 minutes to take a walk? I just wanted to bypass all the houses, traffic, etc...the shortest path to nature please) I felt reluctant to take the walk I was so convinced we needed. I noticed a Chevy Avalanche parked off to the side, pretty deep in the snow at the side of the road. Trying to park on the side of Drysdale Run is tricky in the winter, as there is field with deep snow on either side, and I silently wished for a 4 wheel drive as I parked my Rendezvous behind him, using his deep ruts to place myself as close to the side of the road as I dared. The young man in the drivers seat got out of his truck and approached me. He was stuck, new in town and needed someone to push/pull him out of the deep snow. I knew I had to serve, and it was decided that since I couldn't pull him out, the least I could do is call a tow truck. With no phone book in my car, I had to drive home to get one. Knowing that they would ask for his plate number, that in the kerfuffle I neglected to jot down, I thought it best that I return to the scene and call with all the info. When I arrived back, he had already made arrangements with his friend to pull him out. Not knowing why we had met, aside from the few odd synchronicities (his nickname is Niko, my dogs name is Miko, so when I called my dog, he looked at me surprised and unsure of what I said) I gifted him with a deck of Universal Laws of Conscious Creation Cards that were in a box in the back of my vehicle.

We end up not even taking a walk, and I got to teach Riley what heeding God's call is all about. Its all about the moment. On the ride home Riley stated that he felt good because we helped. Even though we actually didn't help in the way we intended to. The whole thing is still a mystery in progress.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. Until next time...

Ressurection

Since the year 1998, I have been hearing about this "shifting of the poles" thing. The Earth's magnetic poles, according to different channellers are bound to switch polarity sometime in the future...maybe 2012. I might be an Aquarius, but I'm not much of a scientist. What the heck does this really mean? In the course of my studies and research, I have come to believe that the Earth is here because we are here. And maybe we and the Earth are One. And possibly the state of our planet is truly a reflection of human consciousness.

What if, it were WE who are going to shift poles? The Universal Law of Polarity encourages us to balance our perception of situations, that everything we perceive as bad has an equal amount of good within it. Gender is an expression of polarity as well.

What if what is actually transpiring is an opportunity for all of us to correct our vision? Within every moment in this mundane soup of responsibilities and relationships lies the potential for miracles. The only thing standing between us and Oneness is the Ego. A Course in Miracles speaks at great length about the body and its sole purpose being nothing more than a means of communication. The Ego separates through the body. The body is beautiful or ugly, peaceful or savage, helpful or harmful, according to the use to which it is put.

In my personal life, I am currently undergoing what some might see as a "difficult" situation. My partner of the last nine years, Derek, and I are separating. We have accumulated much together in the last decade or so, accomplished together what neither one of us could do seperately, most importantly our son Riley.

We have used our bodies for both attack and love. We came together as friends, and are parting on the same terms. Together we learned to accept help and friendship from our neighbors. We are known to all of our friends as Derek and Mar. This separation is affecting all whom our relationship touches. Even if it simply makes them consider how much they love their own partner, and how lucky they are to have a strong relationship.

I have been fortunate to be an up close and personal witness to one of the most amazing men I have had the pleasure to know. The moment we locked eyes in a friends backyard, an actual wind sprang up from nowhere.

Derek McEachren discovered, uncovered and healed me. As long as I live, I will never forget how beautiful he made me feel when I was pregnant with Riley, and that alone healed so many illusions associated with my first marriage. He taught me the importance of play, healing so many childhood beliefs. He believed in me when I couldn't find it in me to believe in myself. His wide spectrum of emotions reconnected me with my own suppressed feelings and released me from my bondage of numbness.

How does one honor someone who has held such a perfect mirror?

Thank you for everything you are, Derek. I am privileged to be going through this experience with someone who is willing to take the highest road possible, allowing me to learn what Universal Love is really all about. Derek, I love you for your willingness to see the perfection in all of this, even if it appears painful.

I have learned that in order to fully comprehend the workings of some Spiritual concepts, that you have to be willing to walk a road known to be full of hidden dangers, deception, hatred and darkness. Only to find out that those things only exist in the mind of the dreamer.

Experiencing the 8 of Cups

Last night I completed the last class in the first level of my newly designed Tarot Course and was blown away by the agility with which my new pupils worked with their exciting new medium of prophesy.

In the Tarot, the 8 of Cups depicts an individual abandoning a neatly stacked pile of cups for a rather formidable mountain in the distance. In the stack of cups, there is an obvious empty space created from five cups on the bottom row and three stacked on top. In numerology fives are chaos and change and threes are creativity and expression. If the foundation is change and what crowns it is expression, then we have no choice but to face the chaos, or need for change to create something new. But sometimes we have to step away from what we created lest we over-identify with it and lose ourselves in the process.

I nicknamed this card the "Fuck it" card. Its when you look at everything you have been struggling to hold together and realize that it's redundant. Fuck it. Walk away. Detach. Maybe you will decide to re-attach when you come back from figuring out what you want. Maybe not. Either way, it is progress. If you do come back to the situation, its likely that it will have to evolve to serve you. As we evolve, our relationships and roles evolve in tandem. Let go of all of the expectations of others and ask yourself "What do I really want to experience?"

I have always known I was different from the norm, and have worked very hard to try to be normal, only to find myself in shoes that were way too tight, conversations that were way too safe, and the strange notion that while I was acting the part of happy housewife and mother that my life was somehow passing me by. Impatient with the mundane, metaphysics gave me a better reasoning for why bad shit just seemed to happen to me since I arrived on this planet. Chris MCrae, the greatest astrologer on earth, gave me a lot of insight into my path and how to use my YOD for my own benefit.

I believe that women in all countries, all races and all spaces are going to step into their power. This will affect every part of life, we are the life givers and nurturers of the world. Love will change everything. In order for the world to change, the balance of power has to be corrected.
Many women will be leaving their jobs, their partners and their current roles for roles that are more in tune with who they are. Will there be chaos? Sure. Will it be worth it? Definitely!

Lions, and Triggers & Bears, oh my!

All of my life, I have been tuned into another dimension simultaneous to this mundane everyday dimension. This means that I observe whats going on around me, and translate that information into the language of signs. Mainly, I do this because I like to observe and see how relevant and accurate my theories are.

The signs, as of late, have never been more blantant and obvious. Never before have I felt so transparent. And forgiving. I have been plagued by a fatigue, and see with some humour, how Spirit will weaken my physical resolve just to prove a point.

My week started with getting backed into by the nicest lady while dropping my son off at school. Holding my vehicle in the same regard as my body, I was quite detached about the whole thing. We exchanged information and I have yet to get an estimate, my week has been too full. The sign held more significance to me than the issue of a new bumper. My emotional reaction to being hit was the thing that aroused the most curiousity. I felt worse for her than for me, I felt bad about being in the way. Interesting. When I recall past situations with others that were difficult, I never really gave people full responsibility for their behavior and actions. Damn that Capricorn Moon...damn it!!

Too tired to write. And my dog hates me for not taking her out today. That's alright, Miko can own her emotions. Co-dependant no more, lol.

Until next time,

Happy Valentines Day to me

I read a quote on Facebook by Krista-Lynn Landolfi that touched me yesterday. It read "I could tell you that I love you, but really, it will not matter until you love yourself".

That inspired me. I have never been a fan of this Hallmark holiday, proabably due to the fact that I married my first husband on Valentines Day 1989, a mere month after turning eighteen. I was co-dependant and he was alcoholic. As was my father. As was my second husband. As is my current partner. Just as I have with most of the things that have hurt me in this lifetime, I made a joke out of it.

"I have a penchant for alcoholics. If my current relationship doesn't work out I'm going to hang around AADAC and find someone who can admit they have a problem..."

Who REALLY has the problem here? lol

The interesting thing about all of these relationships (with the exception of my father) is that while we were dating...I refused to see the warning signs. Oh, they were there, alright. For some reason, I chose not to read the writing on the wall. And it was so big and bold I can't believe I missed it.

I started smoking again less than 3 days after my quit date of February 6. My smoking is about much more than an addiction to nicotine. It has been the balm that has numbed me from my own feelings of anger and self-hatred.

I learned to hate myself when I was a child, because loving myself meant hating a parent. I learned that my feelings were "stupid" and that I was "too sensitive" and I "wasn't like the other kids in the family". I believed that I didn't deserve the awesomeness that other claimed in their lives. I learned to detach from myself completely and become a "doer of things". Leaving the world of my own emotions, I opened myself to the energies of others, to ensure that I would be aware enough to know what others expected so I didn't get yelled at. Most of the time, I was yelled at anyhow. Believing I was inherantly flawed, not deserving of my own effort, I placed my energy into placating others.

I started to think back to previous quit attempts...and what got me started in the first place. I have smoked for so long (at 15 I was already sucking back a pack a day) that I have a hard time remembering what it felt like before I was a smoker. My longest quit attempt was 6 months. Two months into my quit, I had decided that enough was enough, I couldn't do it any longer, I was going to the store and getting cigarettes. I reasoned that if I were going to buy cigarettes, I should walk, giving myself an opportunity to think this through and perhaps talk myself out of it. As I walked I became aware of someone coming up behind me and I moved to the edge of the sidewalk, and a runner jogged by.

This was no ordinary jogger. She had to be 70 years old. I stopped and watched as she disappeared out of sight and then abruptly turned and walked home, without the cigarettes. To this day I have no idea who that lady was, but wherever you are...you were a true inspiration to me!

An hour later I was at the Running Room, purchasing shoes and socks. I started running the next day. With some difficulty, I started running for three minutes, and then walking for one minute for a total of maybe 40 minutes. In two months I was running for 10 minutes and walking for one minute and was covering 5k four or five mornings per week! My skin was clear, I had energy abound, my body was better that I had ever seen it (and I was already in my mid 30's). I entered a contest for a marathon in Bermuda and was accepted to be part of Team 96X. I was ecstatic!

I started smoking less than a week after being accepted into the marathon.

What the fuck went wrong here?

I think I finally know.

I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept my victory. I didn't love myself enough to feel like I deserved it. I knew myself to be weak, bad, someone to be ashamed of. Not someone to be celebrated for an achievement such as this. Believing that I was an imposter...I couldn't hold onto this. Plus, if I was so worthy, I might have to start owning it in my personal relationships with the cute villians I surrounded myself with to remind me of my own unworthiness.

I was supported by everyone around me (well, almost everyone, lol) and was told over and over how great I looked. I had put on some muscle, was toned and and carried myself differently. Yet somehow, I just couldn't own it.

Until I love myself, all of me, the light and the dark, giving up smoking will be difficult to impossible. I can take the physical part, its the "you don't matter" that keeps me coming back. Cigarettes are like my weapon of self bludgeoning. Until I see myself and my addiction with a sense of humour and compassion, this habit will keep me from believing that I deserve success, love, and freedom.

What came first? Obviously to start smoking you have to be detached from the idea that you are making a choice that could kill you. You have to feel like you don't matter to even begin this silly habit.

This weekend, I choose to love myself no matter what I choose to do. I believe I will detach from this easily when I feel deserving of the good things life has to offer.

Until next time...

Sweet Dreams...I wish...

Okay, so I have been plagued with crazy dreams as of late. On January 24, I willingly entered the hell of my own creation. For my birthday I spent the whole night meditating, writing, and going within. I may have gone a little too deep. I found a well of sadness there, and plopped myself right into it, up to my neck.

My poor family. One day I will make it up to you guys. In Bali or somewhere warm...

One more day of cigarettes, and my lungs are secretly rejoicing. This afternoon I felt the first tugs of doubt as I thought about this fact on my drive home from work. The Universal Law of Suggestion has been put to the test, and it will be interesting to observe myself undergoing withdrawal. Myself, once again, in a petrie dish, ready to be poked and prodded at the very innermost weaknesses in the name of eventual enlightenment.

One thing I am grateful to have is the support and skills of the practitioners at Andnow. It's amazing how Spirit brings a group together and it is truly wonderful to have a family away from family. My pre-quit smoking hypnosis session with Tracey Martin was this afternoon and I was blown away by what was revealed to me. There's so much in the subconscious that we don't even remember consciously. Sometimes I wonder if everyone is as fucked up as me. It was easier when I wasn't aware that it was all my shit. Actually, it wasn't. I remember those times as being very dramatic. This is better.

Tomorrow is the last day I will begin with a cigarette. I think I will do it very mindfully, in fact, I will smoke mindfully from now until then. My last pack...like a friend who gets you arrested...I know I'm better off without them. Here's to mindful smoking...