Full Circle

Life has been a series of tidal waves, some bringing pleasure...some bringing pain. The day after Mother's Day I moved out of my house into the Magick House across the street.

Derek was kind enough to deliver my furniture...

Let me give you a little history on the Magick House. I found it in 2003, by complete fluke, in a discarded "Edmonton Homes for Rent" section of the paper while in queue at Tim Hortons. I wasn't even really looking for a new place but later that evening there I was, signing a one year lease. The house just kinda grabbed me, either you love it or hate it. I rented it for two years and then bought the house across the street. Two years later Black Iris, my soul sister and partner in ceremony purchased the Magick House. Apparently it grabbed her, too. Sandora, the third member of the Magick House Trinity has been here for one year.

The house is definitely unusual. Constructed of cedar, it is an actual pyramid, with the entire upper floor being one big open space that is lit by numerous skylights. In the center of the top floor, reaching to the peak of the pyramid is a huge beam, a 3 dimensional algiz (the rune of protection).



Black Iris has been hosting the Full and New Moon ceremonies at the Magick House for the last couple of years. The yard is permanently set up for ceremony, complete with an energetic gateway and large cauldron sitting in the middle of a pentagram. Gargoyles and fairies, numerous wind chimes, fountains and statues are placed throughout the yard, shaded by huge trees, 26 on the lot if my count is correct. Its a little like an English Garden meets Amityville Horror. Ahhhh...home.

The energy of the house itself is intense, and it has a kind of an amplifying effect on whatever you are experiencing internally. Visitors are not immune to this intensification energy and some people can't stay in the house for more than a few moments before becoming uncomfortable and making mumbled excuses and racing out the door. Hehe.

Moving the endless boxes and miscellaneous furniture from my old house to my new one, I totally noticed how much stronger I am. Kettlebell training is paying off! I am still training with Mike from Evolution Strength and Conditioning twice a week. Every workout pushes me to the point of collapse. Sometimes I hate it, but I love what it is doing to my body. In the beginning, when I whined to Mike about how much I hurt, he would laugh and tell me that in the future I would want to be sore, that I'd learn to love it. And I am. What I have learned is that I'd rather push myself to the limit for two hours a week than push myself a little bit everyday. Kettlebells suit my extremist nature perfectly and the results are unbelievable. Yesterday I did 90 push ups! And by pushing myself physically I am experiencing less pressure and discord internally. My outer strength and inner strength are connected, and for once in my life its nice to do the work in the external and let the internal take care of itself. And...I have become really comfortable with my inner bitch. Because sometimes you need a bitch on your side.

The hard drive in my laptop is fried. A sure omen that my mind is going through a transformation, changing the way that I store and use information. It will be interesting to see what has changed in my beliefs and thinking when it is finally repaired and returned.

Everyday has been an adventure, and it has taught me the importance of staying in the now and focusing on the things that make me feel good.

Until next time...

Om Shanti

Am I a Masochist?

Vanity can drive one to the most ridiculous of decisions.

Derek finally put up the mirrored closet doors in the bathroom. They are directly across from the jacuzzi tub. It adds a whole new dimension to the room and the bath experience itself , its almost a bonus to witness yourself relaxing, and you get twice the light from the surrounding candles.

But last month, when I caught the sight of my own naked ass getting into the tub in those huge mirrors, my heart almost stopped in my chest.

That is NOT my ass!

How and when did this happen?

Okay, admittedly I probably don't spend nearly enough time in front of the mirror naked. And who looks at the back of themselves anyway? Too hard on the neck. Unless I'm trying on a new pair of jeans, I don't even go there.

I don't want to sound conceited, but I've always thought I had a nice ass. And I've had enough bullshit in my life to feel strangely entitled to my lack of weight and body issues. After giving birth to both of my sons I was back in my regular clothes in less than three months. Without exercise.

Well, my luck finally ran out.

I'm not a gym girl. I get distracted easily at the best of times and the thought of working out on machines seems so...impersonal. Running is out of the question, my knees are hating it. I have target areas I want help in...I want the ass of a 24 year old. And if my breasts are too small to fill a bra, they better learn to stand up on their own. My legs could always look better and I'd like to build some more muscle on my back. I'd like to have a strong core.

I am emerging from ten years of monogamy...I haven't thought about what my naked body would look like to someone else in almost a decade! The last time I got naked with someone for the first time I knew I looked okay. There was so "bad side" or "good side".

So I prayed, just a quick prayer, in my car on the way to work. It went something like this, "Creator, just show me quickest way to the body of my dreams."

And it was like the gates of heaven opened, and in walked Mike Chomitsch, my first reading of the day. Mike is Co-owner of Evolution Strength and Conditioning. Operating out of Legends Training Center, their slogan is "Only the Strong Survive". Mike was so enthusiastic about his program that when he told me with great confidence that he could deliver the body if i would show up and do the work, I was sold.

"You'll love kettlebells!" he promises.

Wtf are kettlebells? Turns out they are these cast iron balls with a flat bottom that are a lot heavier than they look. They come in different weights from 10 to 106 lbs. According to Mike, they are one of the most versatile tools in the industry and are far superior to free weights and machines.

And portable with the little handle and all. If you don't mind the odd hernia, that is.

So I showed up on Monday, as I usually show up, naive and without any expectations. There were a couple of strippers that were trying out the kettlebell method as well. I always wondered what they did to keep in shape...

Somehow I always thought they would lean towards pilates...

In hindsight, I was probably feeling a little cocky. I have great physical endurance, and can run 3km without breaking a sweat. As a matter of fact, I hardly sweat at all while exercising.

Ten minutes with a kettlebell and the sweat was dripping off my face onto the mat.

Mike went through some initial preparatory exercises with me before he would let me touch a kettlebell. Truthfully, he had me sweating before I picked the goddamn kettlebell up.

With a soaked t-shirt and trembling thighs I walked out of Legends an hour later, feeling as if my feet were encased in cement shoes. Lunges-smunges...they have nothing on this workout.

Last night, laundry basket on my hip, I moaned like a woman ravaged with every step up the stairs to my bedroom. Who knew how often one engages the hamstring muscle in one's day to day activities? I discovered that it is actually less painful to perch one's ass above the toilet seat, straining overused muscles with the act of balancing than to endure the hard landing on an unyielding toilet seats. I thought of those convenient handrails in the large bathroom stalls in the mall and wondered if they come in brushed chrome to match the rest of my bathroom.

Yesterday I wondered if it really was the gates of heaven that released Mike into my life.

Today I can walk without wincing. Just in time for my second session tomorrow.

Mike seems relatively unconcerned about my soreness. I think the word he used was "excellent". This, in my mind, makes him a bit of a sadist.

But the proof of the pudding is in the eating. And proof we shall have. Hannah has agreed(without much enthusiasm, I might add) to take a picture of my naked behind "pre-kettlebell". So the BEFORE and AFTER pictures will be up here for review.

Mike can be reached at kettlebellkings@gmail.com

Just Another Ordinary Miracle Today

The thing that I like most about changing perspective is the sudden change in the people I begin to attract into my life. Suddenly, I am surrounded with people who truly shine.

Lisa Natoli, thank you for your authentic self, I have been asking for a mentor, and lo and behold, I find her on Facebook. Technology is so responsive with miracles. When I saw that Lisa had a Course in Miracles website (http://www.gorgeousforgod.com/) I couldn't believe my luck! On it are examples of using the principals of the Course with real life issues. I am sad about the reality that so many who purchase the Course with good intentions never really "get" the concepts. I know that feeling. It took me three years before I could shift my awareness, which truly transpired through my relationship triggering every error in my perspective. God, thank you for Derek. What a safe, beautiful, soulful way to wake me up. Much nicer than being hit by that car in 1993. I have learned to listen since then. For those of you experiencing your Personal Hells' out there, know this: GOD IS SETTING THE STAGE FOR YOUR ENLIGHTENMENT. You can use this situation (that might feel bad, but at least it gets your attention) to find out who and what you really are. You are the light of God, shining in your own particular way.

I used to hold in my light and blame other people for the fact that I wasn't shining. It totally prevented me from looking at the fact that I was afraid to shine.

I prevent myself from shining with my tobacco addiction. It makes me feel weak and powerless. I am signing up for Lisa Natoli's 40 Days in the Desert workshop. Its online (http://www.itmatterstotally.com/) and its actually designed for people with Food Addiction. She uses Course in Miracles principals, and it involves no diets. Lisa believes that I can easily transfer the material to my individual addiction, so I'm really pumped to start May 1st. I love how the Universe gives you exactly what you need.

Speaking of getting what you need, this was a pretty interesting experience and a great demonstration of the Law of Detachment working with the Law of Attraction and Law of Least Effort. Today, I commented on the beautiful Smudging Wing that belongs to Sarah Salter Kelly, asking her where she got it. When she told me it was a gift, I silently thought to myself "I want to make myself one of those. I want a hawk's wing" Five hours later I get a message from Joyce, another Soul Sister and Course in Miracles Junkie on my voice mail, telling me that she came home to a dead hawk on her deck and thinks I might know what that means!! Not only does it mean that Joyce is a messenger, but it was my answered prayer.

Today was my second session in my Soul Retrieval series with Sarah. I have never felt a deeper, more authentic experience with any type of healing work than what I have experienced in this Soul Retrieval. She guided me through a tour of the four chambers...we each had an individual experience, and without speaking wrote down what we received. What she shared with me regarding past lives and contracts formed validated everything I felt I ever was, and with information given to me by mystics over the years. I've been told that my bones from that life are in the river valley, right here in Edmonton. The North Saskatchewan river seduced me into moving from my awesome life in Winnipeg to Edmonton, where I knew no one except my husband Doug. Thanks Doug, for getting me here. For celebrating and encouraging my weirdness. I found my spiritual self acceptance through you. My channeled Spirit Guide drawing (it's on my Facebook page) is actually me. Wow. That is the only piece of channeled are I ever did. I think it was back in 2001. It's not my Spirit Guide, it is a lost part.

Things at home are actually on the blissful side. Derek and I have released attachment and the result is no judgement. Correction of vision. More miracles than I can count. And I feel free to pursue my spiritual purpose without guilt. The Laws of Perfection and Perpetual Transformation. And setting a new precedent for separations and divorce in the process. I am in no hurry to move, knowing that the right place and situation will present itself, and it is possible that I may spend much of the year travelling around North America. Peru is definitely on the agenda for early next year.

It is getting easier. Everyday.

Well, well...Universal Law of Polarity...we meet again...

I wonder how many of you out there wondered to yourselves after reading my last few updates, "How long is this really going to last? How long can one live in a rosy bubble, cushioned by the little miracles that happen along the way?" Well, I can't say I didn't wonder about it myself. All it took was a little PMS (a sure indicator that I am holding issues in my womb, which further relates to the inability to create the ideal home and means to manifest that) and a despondency that usually accompanies Sunday mornings. This particular melancholy bullshit continued into Monday. It was eventually communicated to me that it might be best to take myself (and my sorry-ass energy and attitude) to the office a little early. Hannah was already there and must have felt my convoluted presence a mile away, even Ebby and Lilo didn't want too much to do with me. We had very special guests on our radio show, David and Kristin Morelli...the Everything is Energy super couple. Thank God Hannah did her research ( she really is brilliant) and asked some great questions. We spend most of the hour laughing, as per usual, with David and Kristin being totally engaging. It was one of the easiest hours of my life. Not only that, but whilst (supposedly) doing my part in preparing for the radio show, I instead sat at Hannah's desk and vented and complained, and then finally wrote a plea to God for deliverance from my personal hell in my notebook. Less than one hour later, David and Kristin directly gave me the information I was looking for. It was beautiful...

but I stayed angry...but maybe, just maybe I needed to. The Universal Law of Perfection meets the Universal Law of Emotion. Shake hands...fuck it, duke it out!

On the drive to work, I was pleasantly surprised to hear Pink Floyd not just once, but twice (two for Tuesdays) on the radio. Its never to early or late in the day for Pink Floyd.

Today I received my first Course in Miracles lesson from Lisa Natoli from Gorgeous for God. She shared a couple of her own personal miracles and gave me great advice on detaching from the drama and getting out of God's way. That started a rash of miracles that lasted throughout the day, including my experiences with my clients. My first client of the day (a woman whom I love dearly, a beautiful Spanish princess that shall remain unnamed) gave me a clear and total validation that I am on the right track. It wasn't until after my last session of the day that I noticed the words "Soul Retrieval" written in red marker on today's date on my wall calendar.

For the third time, synchronistically, Sarah Salter Kelly was there when I spontaneously reached a point of needing outside help. She is one of the finest living examples I know of one who just shows up, walks her path naturally creating miracles for others in a way that is so...lovingly detached. There is no ego involved with that girl whatsoever. Today was the first scheduled appointment for my Soul Retrieval with Sarah Salter Kelly. Little did I know what emotional and mental place I would be in when we made the appointment a week earlier. As usual, it was perfect.

Our first session was intimate, revealing, and physically interesting. It seemed as though my base chakra and heart chakra were not even speaking the same language. I had vivid images, some pretty humorous, that validated the experience for both of us. Even funnier, her error in programming her IPod resulted in Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" following the Dalai Lama chanting. She couldn't have known the significance in what may have seemed like an mistake at the time. I can hardly wait for our next session!

In the meantime, I'm using the Universal Laws of Conscious Creation Cards to assist with my focus and A Course in Miracles to remind me of what it truly real. It is possible to walk the two worlds and Master the Illusionary. Isn't it?

A Course in Miracles is Messing with my Head

I feel like I am experiencing a liberation from insanity. What a crazy experience to be having at a very interesting time in my life. Looking back, I can't even count the number of times my written word has gotten me into trouble. Being in Grade Four and passing notes in school and the feeling of my cheeks flushing when The Universal Law of Passing Notes in School, you know, the one in which the tightly folded wad of paper will eventually end up in the hands of the one who has the biggest mouth, or worse, your teacher, wound up being the lesson of the day. Later, it was diaries or journals being read by boyfriends and husbands and the Spanish Inquisition that followed later. My former in-laws even read parts of one of my journals that disclosed personal information that they were apparently quite disturbed about. Eventually, I put a written disclaimer in the front page of my journals warning any potential readers that these were my illusions, my journeys, and no one is allowed to debate my thoughts and opinions. For they really mean nothing. And now I just have detached. I am glad that I have kept all of those journals. They are a testament to the fact that one can take shitty self-created situations and reach another plane of awareness. You don't have to meditate in India for 6 months to find the Divine in everything. You just have to be curious. And aware. And the more self aware I became, the more candid I became. I have known all my life that I have some kind of purpose. When I was a child, I had dreams of disasters and out of body experiences that gave me a genuine concern about the state of the planet. I contemplated Oneness, all the while feeling a stranglehold in my solar plexus, since I was four or five years old. Learning to read was a total Godsend, and when the adults around me couldn't answer my questions, I turned to books and encyclopedias. Indeed, I believe if we look at our childhood, when we were exactly as God made us, without much human interference with our development, our daydreams and fantasies give foreshadowings to our gifts and greatness. And mine was talking and writing. My family must have gotten much relief when I started to write and kept my questions to myself.

So it seemed pretty natural to have an online journal regarding what I see as an Ascension Process. My tools of choice thus far are:

• Making use of every fine professional at Andnow Center
• A Course in Miracles
• Meditation
• Yoga
• Renouncing attachment to tobacco
• My separation with Derek

These are my Goals

• See with God's eyes, Perfect Trust
• Being in the world, but not of it
• Weight gain of mmm...15 pounds
• Holy relationships
• Perfect Health
• Perfect Service
• Master the Universal Laws of Conscious Creation

So I figure that through ACIM, (the Course) that I can learn to work the illusion in my favor, and see the way Christ did. Unconditional love all the way around. Love without attachment is also important to me. The quitting smoking will result in immediate weight gain, which naturally will drive me to exercise, and the emotional crap brought up by the withdrawal will pull out any leftover illusions. Sounds simple. That's when the blog might get a little messy. I also want to put this new awareness to the test...I have too many planets in the 12th house to know for sure what I have hidden in the closet.

I don't even know why there is this drive to be my own lab rat in this process. Possibly it is the belief that you can't take another higher than you have gone yourself. I just want to try everything. Right now, my dream is to manifest a new kind of community, where we can grow our own food organically, create a smaller footprint that doesn't take away from nature; it blends or adds to it. Where everyone has their "thing" and their "thing" contributes to the whole. And we all live on 10% of our income and can use our money to teach and travel and connect with one another and have miracles all the time. Learning and teaching new clean ways to create energy, heat and power. Minds of the world uniting. Now I know I can't be the only one with this dream. Somehow we will all find each other, the same way we find all the people who are important to us in this life; synchronicity.

The Course in Miracles has been integral in this process. If you've "read it", you should read it again...

This is the end...of illusions

Wow. That is all I can say as I gaze around this new existance in childlike wonderment. Has all of this been here all along? Have my eyes been that closed? How is it possible that there is so much goodness out there.

My transformation totally required my willingness to make the changes necessary in all parts of my being: the mental, emotional AND physical...simultaneously. Wow. What the heck was I so scared of? There were no monsters under the bed.

I look around and all I can see are miracles in progress, the divine intelligience that naturally aligns us with what we need most of all. It all makes me so, so, well so darn...curious!

Yesterday, whilst having a heated conversation with Black Iris in her "potion room", the office chair I was leaning back in abruptly threw me backward. My tailbone was whacked rudely whilst I simultaneously cracked the crown of my head on her large glass table stocked high with potion ingredients. She was concerned (laughingly, mind you) if I was okay and once it was established that I was, we had a good chuckle about it. As I took physical inventory I suddenly became very aware of my throbbing tailbone. It hurt so intensely that it took 20 minutes to notice that the top of my head was also singing a different vibrational tune. According to A Course in Miracles...a chair is not a chair, so a table is not a table, and if the body is nothing more than a means of communication, my falling off a chair and hitting my body in those precise places means something. Chair's support you...I'm being philosophic at the time of the fall, the table is where I sit and do my work, in the case of this particular table, transformational work. My crown and base chakra's represent divine wisdom and existance on earth. Supporting oneself through divine intelligience. Taking the path the creator set out for me.

This morning, I arrived at Andnow Center to see the Shaman Sarah Salter Kelly, whom I had an appointment with, for what we were not exactly sure. She gave me a clearing, during which I felt a total kundalini surge, and emerged from her office feeling complete...clean. Chakra's rebooted. Haven't heard from my tailbone since. I am so grateful to have the best of the best in their fields in my own backyard. What a gift she gave me today. We have never had anything less than miracles together. Thank you Sarah, for always being willing to share your superpowers so generously, always trusting your inner wisdom. I am truly blessed to know you...

I picked a Universal Law Card when I arrived home from work today and got the Universal Law of Service.

Tonight, my son Riley and I ventured out in my truck with Miko because for some strange reason I felt compelled to go to the river. Even during the short 3 minute drive (I know, I know, why drive 3 minutes to take a walk? I just wanted to bypass all the houses, traffic, etc...the shortest path to nature please) I felt reluctant to take the walk I was so convinced we needed. I noticed a Chevy Avalanche parked off to the side, pretty deep in the snow at the side of the road. Trying to park on the side of Drysdale Run is tricky in the winter, as there is field with deep snow on either side, and I silently wished for a 4 wheel drive as I parked my Rendezvous behind him, using his deep ruts to place myself as close to the side of the road as I dared. The young man in the drivers seat got out of his truck and approached me. He was stuck, new in town and needed someone to push/pull him out of the deep snow. I knew I had to serve, and it was decided that since I couldn't pull him out, the least I could do is call a tow truck. With no phone book in my car, I had to drive home to get one. Knowing that they would ask for his plate number, that in the kerfuffle I neglected to jot down, I thought it best that I return to the scene and call with all the info. When I arrived back, he had already made arrangements with his friend to pull him out. Not knowing why we had met, aside from the few odd synchronicities (his nickname is Niko, my dogs name is Miko, so when I called my dog, he looked at me surprised and unsure of what I said) I gifted him with a deck of Universal Laws of Conscious Creation Cards that were in a box in the back of my vehicle.

We end up not even taking a walk, and I got to teach Riley what heeding God's call is all about. Its all about the moment. On the ride home Riley stated that he felt good because we helped. Even though we actually didn't help in the way we intended to. The whole thing is still a mystery in progress.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. Until next time...

Ressurection

Since the year 1998, I have been hearing about this "shifting of the poles" thing. The Earth's magnetic poles, according to different channellers are bound to switch polarity sometime in the future...maybe 2012. I might be an Aquarius, but I'm not much of a scientist. What the heck does this really mean? In the course of my studies and research, I have come to believe that the Earth is here because we are here. And maybe we and the Earth are One. And possibly the state of our planet is truly a reflection of human consciousness.

What if, it were WE who are going to shift poles? The Universal Law of Polarity encourages us to balance our perception of situations, that everything we perceive as bad has an equal amount of good within it. Gender is an expression of polarity as well.

What if what is actually transpiring is an opportunity for all of us to correct our vision? Within every moment in this mundane soup of responsibilities and relationships lies the potential for miracles. The only thing standing between us and Oneness is the Ego. A Course in Miracles speaks at great length about the body and its sole purpose being nothing more than a means of communication. The Ego separates through the body. The body is beautiful or ugly, peaceful or savage, helpful or harmful, according to the use to which it is put.

In my personal life, I am currently undergoing what some might see as a "difficult" situation. My partner of the last nine years, Derek, and I are separating. We have accumulated much together in the last decade or so, accomplished together what neither one of us could do seperately, most importantly our son Riley.

We have used our bodies for both attack and love. We came together as friends, and are parting on the same terms. Together we learned to accept help and friendship from our neighbors. We are known to all of our friends as Derek and Mar. This separation is affecting all whom our relationship touches. Even if it simply makes them consider how much they love their own partner, and how lucky they are to have a strong relationship.

I have been fortunate to be an up close and personal witness to one of the most amazing men I have had the pleasure to know. The moment we locked eyes in a friends backyard, an actual wind sprang up from nowhere.

Derek McEachren discovered, uncovered and healed me. As long as I live, I will never forget how beautiful he made me feel when I was pregnant with Riley, and that alone healed so many illusions associated with my first marriage. He taught me the importance of play, healing so many childhood beliefs. He believed in me when I couldn't find it in me to believe in myself. His wide spectrum of emotions reconnected me with my own suppressed feelings and released me from my bondage of numbness.

How does one honor someone who has held such a perfect mirror?

Thank you for everything you are, Derek. I am privileged to be going through this experience with someone who is willing to take the highest road possible, allowing me to learn what Universal Love is really all about. Derek, I love you for your willingness to see the perfection in all of this, even if it appears painful.

I have learned that in order to fully comprehend the workings of some Spiritual concepts, that you have to be willing to walk a road known to be full of hidden dangers, deception, hatred and darkness. Only to find out that those things only exist in the mind of the dreamer.

Experiencing the 8 of Cups

Last night I completed the last class in the first level of my newly designed Tarot Course and was blown away by the agility with which my new pupils worked with their exciting new medium of prophesy.

In the Tarot, the 8 of Cups depicts an individual abandoning a neatly stacked pile of cups for a rather formidable mountain in the distance. In the stack of cups, there is an obvious empty space created from five cups on the bottom row and three stacked on top. In numerology fives are chaos and change and threes are creativity and expression. If the foundation is change and what crowns it is expression, then we have no choice but to face the chaos, or need for change to create something new. But sometimes we have to step away from what we created lest we over-identify with it and lose ourselves in the process.

I nicknamed this card the "Fuck it" card. Its when you look at everything you have been struggling to hold together and realize that it's redundant. Fuck it. Walk away. Detach. Maybe you will decide to re-attach when you come back from figuring out what you want. Maybe not. Either way, it is progress. If you do come back to the situation, its likely that it will have to evolve to serve you. As we evolve, our relationships and roles evolve in tandem. Let go of all of the expectations of others and ask yourself "What do I really want to experience?"

I have always known I was different from the norm, and have worked very hard to try to be normal, only to find myself in shoes that were way too tight, conversations that were way too safe, and the strange notion that while I was acting the part of happy housewife and mother that my life was somehow passing me by. Impatient with the mundane, metaphysics gave me a better reasoning for why bad shit just seemed to happen to me since I arrived on this planet. Chris MCrae, the greatest astrologer on earth, gave me a lot of insight into my path and how to use my YOD for my own benefit.

I believe that women in all countries, all races and all spaces are going to step into their power. This will affect every part of life, we are the life givers and nurturers of the world. Love will change everything. In order for the world to change, the balance of power has to be corrected.
Many women will be leaving their jobs, their partners and their current roles for roles that are more in tune with who they are. Will there be chaos? Sure. Will it be worth it? Definitely!

Lions, and Triggers & Bears, oh my!

All of my life, I have been tuned into another dimension simultaneous to this mundane everyday dimension. This means that I observe whats going on around me, and translate that information into the language of signs. Mainly, I do this because I like to observe and see how relevant and accurate my theories are.

The signs, as of late, have never been more blantant and obvious. Never before have I felt so transparent. And forgiving. I have been plagued by a fatigue, and see with some humour, how Spirit will weaken my physical resolve just to prove a point.

My week started with getting backed into by the nicest lady while dropping my son off at school. Holding my vehicle in the same regard as my body, I was quite detached about the whole thing. We exchanged information and I have yet to get an estimate, my week has been too full. The sign held more significance to me than the issue of a new bumper. My emotional reaction to being hit was the thing that aroused the most curiousity. I felt worse for her than for me, I felt bad about being in the way. Interesting. When I recall past situations with others that were difficult, I never really gave people full responsibility for their behavior and actions. Damn that Capricorn Moon...damn it!!

Too tired to write. And my dog hates me for not taking her out today. That's alright, Miko can own her emotions. Co-dependant no more, lol.

Until next time,

Happy Valentines Day to me

I read a quote on Facebook by Krista-Lynn Landolfi that touched me yesterday. It read "I could tell you that I love you, but really, it will not matter until you love yourself".

That inspired me. I have never been a fan of this Hallmark holiday, proabably due to the fact that I married my first husband on Valentines Day 1989, a mere month after turning eighteen. I was co-dependant and he was alcoholic. As was my father. As was my second husband. As is my current partner. Just as I have with most of the things that have hurt me in this lifetime, I made a joke out of it.

"I have a penchant for alcoholics. If my current relationship doesn't work out I'm going to hang around AADAC and find someone who can admit they have a problem..."

Who REALLY has the problem here? lol

The interesting thing about all of these relationships (with the exception of my father) is that while we were dating...I refused to see the warning signs. Oh, they were there, alright. For some reason, I chose not to read the writing on the wall. And it was so big and bold I can't believe I missed it.

I started smoking again less than 3 days after my quit date of February 6. My smoking is about much more than an addiction to nicotine. It has been the balm that has numbed me from my own feelings of anger and self-hatred.

I learned to hate myself when I was a child, because loving myself meant hating a parent. I learned that my feelings were "stupid" and that I was "too sensitive" and I "wasn't like the other kids in the family". I believed that I didn't deserve the awesomeness that other claimed in their lives. I learned to detach from myself completely and become a "doer of things". Leaving the world of my own emotions, I opened myself to the energies of others, to ensure that I would be aware enough to know what others expected so I didn't get yelled at. Most of the time, I was yelled at anyhow. Believing I was inherantly flawed, not deserving of my own effort, I placed my energy into placating others.

I started to think back to previous quit attempts...and what got me started in the first place. I have smoked for so long (at 15 I was already sucking back a pack a day) that I have a hard time remembering what it felt like before I was a smoker. My longest quit attempt was 6 months. Two months into my quit, I had decided that enough was enough, I couldn't do it any longer, I was going to the store and getting cigarettes. I reasoned that if I were going to buy cigarettes, I should walk, giving myself an opportunity to think this through and perhaps talk myself out of it. As I walked I became aware of someone coming up behind me and I moved to the edge of the sidewalk, and a runner jogged by.

This was no ordinary jogger. She had to be 70 years old. I stopped and watched as she disappeared out of sight and then abruptly turned and walked home, without the cigarettes. To this day I have no idea who that lady was, but wherever you are...you were a true inspiration to me!

An hour later I was at the Running Room, purchasing shoes and socks. I started running the next day. With some difficulty, I started running for three minutes, and then walking for one minute for a total of maybe 40 minutes. In two months I was running for 10 minutes and walking for one minute and was covering 5k four or five mornings per week! My skin was clear, I had energy abound, my body was better that I had ever seen it (and I was already in my mid 30's). I entered a contest for a marathon in Bermuda and was accepted to be part of Team 96X. I was ecstatic!

I started smoking less than a week after being accepted into the marathon.

What the fuck went wrong here?

I think I finally know.

I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept my victory. I didn't love myself enough to feel like I deserved it. I knew myself to be weak, bad, someone to be ashamed of. Not someone to be celebrated for an achievement such as this. Believing that I was an imposter...I couldn't hold onto this. Plus, if I was so worthy, I might have to start owning it in my personal relationships with the cute villians I surrounded myself with to remind me of my own unworthiness.

I was supported by everyone around me (well, almost everyone, lol) and was told over and over how great I looked. I had put on some muscle, was toned and and carried myself differently. Yet somehow, I just couldn't own it.

Until I love myself, all of me, the light and the dark, giving up smoking will be difficult to impossible. I can take the physical part, its the "you don't matter" that keeps me coming back. Cigarettes are like my weapon of self bludgeoning. Until I see myself and my addiction with a sense of humour and compassion, this habit will keep me from believing that I deserve success, love, and freedom.

What came first? Obviously to start smoking you have to be detached from the idea that you are making a choice that could kill you. You have to feel like you don't matter to even begin this silly habit.

This weekend, I choose to love myself no matter what I choose to do. I believe I will detach from this easily when I feel deserving of the good things life has to offer.

Until next time...

Sweet Dreams...I wish...

Okay, so I have been plagued with crazy dreams as of late. On January 24, I willingly entered the hell of my own creation. For my birthday I spent the whole night meditating, writing, and going within. I may have gone a little too deep. I found a well of sadness there, and plopped myself right into it, up to my neck.

My poor family. One day I will make it up to you guys. In Bali or somewhere warm...

One more day of cigarettes, and my lungs are secretly rejoicing. This afternoon I felt the first tugs of doubt as I thought about this fact on my drive home from work. The Universal Law of Suggestion has been put to the test, and it will be interesting to observe myself undergoing withdrawal. Myself, once again, in a petrie dish, ready to be poked and prodded at the very innermost weaknesses in the name of eventual enlightenment.

One thing I am grateful to have is the support and skills of the practitioners at Andnow. It's amazing how Spirit brings a group together and it is truly wonderful to have a family away from family. My pre-quit smoking hypnosis session with Tracey Martin was this afternoon and I was blown away by what was revealed to me. There's so much in the subconscious that we don't even remember consciously. Sometimes I wonder if everyone is as fucked up as me. It was easier when I wasn't aware that it was all my shit. Actually, it wasn't. I remember those times as being very dramatic. This is better.

Tomorrow is the last day I will begin with a cigarette. I think I will do it very mindfully, in fact, I will smoke mindfully from now until then. My last pack...like a friend who gets you arrested...I know I'm better off without them. Here's to mindful smoking...

The Eventual Shift of Perception

Whew, is it just me, or has the past week been like a kick in the pants? People everywhere are experiencing shifts in their relationships with others. We, as a collective, are becoming more AWARE, and sometimes our awareness of the faults and traits (real or imagined) of others precedes the aha moment that says...oh..I am that, I am. (Thanks for the comma, James Twyman, that cleared a lot up.) Others are experiencing a feeling of total separateness, like they are so very alone and misunderstood. Lightworkers, know this... the imagined darkness you believe you carry has given you knowledge and wisdom beyond your years. It provided the perfect training for your destiny. But its a fucking illusion. (How long did you think it would be before I dropped the "F-Bomb"?) That is not to take away from your experience, but this is actually an empowering concept.

So this means it is possible to create a new reality based on buying into illusions that are preferred. This week I focused on the concept that when you give a brother (or sister) what they need, you get what you need also. I considered that idea many times throughout the day, and did what I could to be of service to others when it was appropriate. Every day at least once, I was distracted from my routine via intuition and listened for what the need might be. What I noticed was that small miracles became visible and I started to become more aware of others offering ME kindness. I was showered in kindness and goodwill by the very people I least expect it from. Maybe these kindnesses were always there, but I am more aware of them now than ever.

There have been stretches of time in my life where I offered my assistance to everyone in my aquaintance who needed help. I felt used a lot, so that is a dead give-away that I wasn't saying "yes" for the right reasons. What did I expect to get in return? Probably re-assurance that I am not a bad person, a belief that I have carried with me as long as I remember. As long as I carried that belief in my heart, I couldn't help anyone authentically. Where did I get that belief from? It's ridiculous when you think about it, but my oh-so-wise assessment of my worth was based on the worldly knowledge of a child.

But it wasn't the only part of my experience. I grew up on a farm, with lots of animals and more space to roam that I could roam. Outside Gaia herself embraced me in the branches of trees and held my hands in her earthy grip while I making mud pies in mom's garden. I saw the Creator in everything and lost myself gazing into clouds, trees, and the huddles of baby chicks in the spring. I developed a rich imagination, an alternate reality that afforded my mind with something to do besides worry, giving me the exact training required for psychic readings. My bond with the earth is the same as it was when I was a child, and to take in that delight once again with my children reminds me of my own lost innocence and for the moment, reclaim it.

Hang on everyone. There has never been a better time to wake up. A great part of your own evolution involves not taking responsibility for anothers emotions, actions, or enlightenment. It means waking up to the fact that you are magnificent, and if your life is not expressing that magnificence you will get rattled. You know when you are on your path when you are happy to do what you are doing regardless what it pays. The ways to increase your abundance will show up, but if you are unwilling to pull out and adjust the beliefs that keep you on the fence you will stay in the current level, or experience a "fall" to get you going. That "fall" could be a job loss, health issue, death of a loved one, bankrupcy, divorce, or you could be dealing with those situations through another ie: a spouse or child. In order to see your power, you have to test it sometimes.

Until next time.

Shifts Happening Out There

We have now entered a time when the line between dark and light has become more crisp. I see it like a skipping rope stretched across the sidewalk, enabling us to hop from side to side with a lot more ease. Many of us have felt a little more aware in the MOMENT that if we choose the same old way of approaching people and situations that we will find ourselves in the hamster wheel again. Running breathlesslessly and getting no further towards our goals.

Speaking of hamsters, last night Riley and I cleaned his hamster's cage. Poor little TB doesn't get out of the cage much these days, he's almost a year old and periodically gets fogotten in favor of Lego Star Wars. And although we know that come summer, TB will be soaring over the yard in the Millenium Falcon, much ship building must take place in preparation for the flight and while the engineers are at work, the astronaut sometimes gets forgotten. I placed TB in his little plastic ball and got to work disassembling his cage for cleaning. He scrambled around on the kitchen linoleum for maybe 15 minutes, but the moment I got the cage back together he manuevoured the ball right next to the cage. As I watched he actually extended his little hands out of the ball, and grasped the bars of his cage, then began scrabbling madly at it like as if to say "Enough already, let me back in! I want to go home." I was incredulous! What? You haven't even checked out the living room? Not that I minded, those balls are like little turd wagons, spraying hard little brown pellets with lightening speed when he really gets going. Those turds I can do without.

But I digress...animals can teach us much. Little Lilo, our center pug, approaches life with a curiousity that sometimes gets her stuck in precarious situations, mostly with her head stuck in something and her litttle dog but being the only thing visible to indicate where she is at. But someone always comes to the rescue. That's her experience, so she continues to discover life in her own quirky way, knowing that no matter what, someone will help her out if she gets stuck. Her failures are just as entertaining (and to her as well, I believe) as her victories. Lilo might be, in all actuality quite small but in her mind, she is much larger.

So where are you? What do you choose? The cage is a relatively safe place. If you embrace the moments when you are out of the cage, using those unfamiliar challenges as opporunities to explore without judgement you just might discover that you were safe all along, no matter where you are. And if you are like Lilo...well, remember, eventually, no matter how stuck you get, someone will always show up when you can't handle what you have created. Maybe that's the most important thing of all, tursting life, trusting yourself, trusting others, it's all the same.

Something to ponder: When you give someone what they really need, you get what you need also.

Until next time.

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My office is located at 13412 Stony Plain Road in Phoenix Hi Touch Salon in Edmonton, Alberta
(That's in Canada, eh!)

Creating Awakening

2009 feels different. I truly didn't notice much of a vibrational change in the 2007-2008 shift, but this feels...good. For the first time in my life I have actually transcended personal drama enough to make the conscious decision to create an emotional hell/transformation through relinquishing my addiction, my buffer to all that is unpleasant. Oh yes, it is true...I am giving up tobacco and nicotine.

February 6 I wake up a non smoker. I have been smoking since the age of 11, synchronistically around the time I started exploring metaphysics. It became something I couldn't consider living without since the age of 15. So what that means, on an emotional level, is that I have suppressed my feelings through nicotine from that point onward. So I didn't really feel any of it at its true capacity. More than two decades of incredible life experiences, not experienced to their full potential for the fact that I numbed myself through them. All of that crap, stuck in an internal closet somewhere, bursting to get out. My last two (and obviously) failed attempts revealed a well of tears that were completely involuntary, not brought out by any thoughts or happenings. I wept for two days for absolutely no reason at all. I was still functioning, my eyes just leaked incessantly. It was very odd and once finding out that I wasn't hurt or dying my kids, colleagues and neighbors just pretended not to notice or simply scurried out of my vicinity

I have a plan. I work with genius's, they can surely help. Hypnosis from both Lynn and Tracey, also have several stop smoking hypnosis tracks on my MP3 player. I will fall asleep and wake to meditations reminding me that I am a "clean fresh air breather". I will carry a toothbrush and paste in my purse and delight in a tingly fresh clean mouth. I will eat anything I freakin want to for the first week while reading exercise magazines. I will toboggan regularly and engage in lots of activities that are make it difficult to smoke. Like showering. I will reclaim the round ass of my youth and against all odds, my breasts will once again become the perfect perky specimens they were before I even considered having children. Okay, that might be a little far fetched, but the Universal Laws are not discriminate.

I chose a day, February 6, a 19/1 day in numerology and a day when Mars is working in my favor. Jupiter is in my sign all year, which will give me the energy and endurance to achieve this.

And...I'm going to blog the insanity.

PS Anyone want to quit with me? Not limited to tobacco, addiction is addiction.