All of my life, I have been tuned into another dimension simultaneous to this mundane everyday dimension. This means that I observe whats going on around me, and translate that information into the language of signs. Mainly, I do this because I like to observe and see how relevant and accurate my theories are.
The signs, as of late, have never been more blantant and obvious. Never before have I felt so transparent. And forgiving. I have been plagued by a fatigue, and see with some humour, how Spirit will weaken my physical resolve just to prove a point.
My week started with getting backed into by the nicest lady while dropping my son off at school. Holding my vehicle in the same regard as my body, I was quite detached about the whole thing. We exchanged information and I have yet to get an estimate, my week has been too full. The sign held more significance to me than the issue of a new bumper. My emotional reaction to being hit was the thing that aroused the most curiousity. I felt worse for her than for me, I felt bad about being in the way. Interesting. When I recall past situations with others that were difficult, I never really gave people full responsibility for their behavior and actions. Damn that Capricorn Moon...damn it!!
Too tired to write. And my dog hates me for not taking her out today. That's alright, Miko can own her emotions. Co-dependant no more, lol.
Until next time,
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentines Day to me
I read a quote on Facebook by Krista-Lynn Landolfi that touched me yesterday. It read "I could tell you that I love you, but really, it will not matter until you love yourself".
That inspired me. I have never been a fan of this Hallmark holiday, proabably due to the fact that I married my first husband on Valentines Day 1989, a mere month after turning eighteen. I was co-dependant and he was alcoholic. As was my father. As was my second husband. As is my current partner. Just as I have with most of the things that have hurt me in this lifetime, I made a joke out of it.
"I have a penchant for alcoholics. If my current relationship doesn't work out I'm going to hang around AADAC and find someone who can admit they have a problem..."
Who REALLY has the problem here? lol
The interesting thing about all of these relationships (with the exception of my father) is that while we were dating...I refused to see the warning signs. Oh, they were there, alright. For some reason, I chose not to read the writing on the wall. And it was so big and bold I can't believe I missed it.
I started smoking again less than 3 days after my quit date of February 6. My smoking is about much more than an addiction to nicotine. It has been the balm that has numbed me from my own feelings of anger and self-hatred.
I learned to hate myself when I was a child, because loving myself meant hating a parent. I learned that my feelings were "stupid" and that I was "too sensitive" and I "wasn't like the other kids in the family". I believed that I didn't deserve the awesomeness that other claimed in their lives. I learned to detach from myself completely and become a "doer of things". Leaving the world of my own emotions, I opened myself to the energies of others, to ensure that I would be aware enough to know what others expected so I didn't get yelled at. Most of the time, I was yelled at anyhow. Believing I was inherantly flawed, not deserving of my own effort, I placed my energy into placating others.
I started to think back to previous quit attempts...and what got me started in the first place. I have smoked for so long (at 15 I was already sucking back a pack a day) that I have a hard time remembering what it felt like before I was a smoker. My longest quit attempt was 6 months. Two months into my quit, I had decided that enough was enough, I couldn't do it any longer, I was going to the store and getting cigarettes. I reasoned that if I were going to buy cigarettes, I should walk, giving myself an opportunity to think this through and perhaps talk myself out of it. As I walked I became aware of someone coming up behind me and I moved to the edge of the sidewalk, and a runner jogged by.
This was no ordinary jogger. She had to be 70 years old. I stopped and watched as she disappeared out of sight and then abruptly turned and walked home, without the cigarettes. To this day I have no idea who that lady was, but wherever you are...you were a true inspiration to me!
An hour later I was at the Running Room, purchasing shoes and socks. I started running the next day. With some difficulty, I started running for three minutes, and then walking for one minute for a total of maybe 40 minutes. In two months I was running for 10 minutes and walking for one minute and was covering 5k four or five mornings per week! My skin was clear, I had energy abound, my body was better that I had ever seen it (and I was already in my mid 30's). I entered a contest for a marathon in Bermuda and was accepted to be part of Team 96X. I was ecstatic!
I started smoking less than a week after being accepted into the marathon.
What the fuck went wrong here?
I think I finally know.
I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept my victory. I didn't love myself enough to feel like I deserved it. I knew myself to be weak, bad, someone to be ashamed of. Not someone to be celebrated for an achievement such as this. Believing that I was an imposter...I couldn't hold onto this. Plus, if I was so worthy, I might have to start owning it in my personal relationships with the cute villians I surrounded myself with to remind me of my own unworthiness.
I was supported by everyone around me (well, almost everyone, lol) and was told over and over how great I looked. I had put on some muscle, was toned and and carried myself differently. Yet somehow, I just couldn't own it.
Until I love myself, all of me, the light and the dark, giving up smoking will be difficult to impossible. I can take the physical part, its the "you don't matter" that keeps me coming back. Cigarettes are like my weapon of self bludgeoning. Until I see myself and my addiction with a sense of humour and compassion, this habit will keep me from believing that I deserve success, love, and freedom.
What came first? Obviously to start smoking you have to be detached from the idea that you are making a choice that could kill you. You have to feel like you don't matter to even begin this silly habit.
This weekend, I choose to love myself no matter what I choose to do. I believe I will detach from this easily when I feel deserving of the good things life has to offer.
Until next time...
That inspired me. I have never been a fan of this Hallmark holiday, proabably due to the fact that I married my first husband on Valentines Day 1989, a mere month after turning eighteen. I was co-dependant and he was alcoholic. As was my father. As was my second husband. As is my current partner. Just as I have with most of the things that have hurt me in this lifetime, I made a joke out of it.
"I have a penchant for alcoholics. If my current relationship doesn't work out I'm going to hang around AADAC and find someone who can admit they have a problem..."
Who REALLY has the problem here? lol
The interesting thing about all of these relationships (with the exception of my father) is that while we were dating...I refused to see the warning signs. Oh, they were there, alright. For some reason, I chose not to read the writing on the wall. And it was so big and bold I can't believe I missed it.
I started smoking again less than 3 days after my quit date of February 6. My smoking is about much more than an addiction to nicotine. It has been the balm that has numbed me from my own feelings of anger and self-hatred.
I learned to hate myself when I was a child, because loving myself meant hating a parent. I learned that my feelings were "stupid" and that I was "too sensitive" and I "wasn't like the other kids in the family". I believed that I didn't deserve the awesomeness that other claimed in their lives. I learned to detach from myself completely and become a "doer of things". Leaving the world of my own emotions, I opened myself to the energies of others, to ensure that I would be aware enough to know what others expected so I didn't get yelled at. Most of the time, I was yelled at anyhow. Believing I was inherantly flawed, not deserving of my own effort, I placed my energy into placating others.
I started to think back to previous quit attempts...and what got me started in the first place. I have smoked for so long (at 15 I was already sucking back a pack a day) that I have a hard time remembering what it felt like before I was a smoker. My longest quit attempt was 6 months. Two months into my quit, I had decided that enough was enough, I couldn't do it any longer, I was going to the store and getting cigarettes. I reasoned that if I were going to buy cigarettes, I should walk, giving myself an opportunity to think this through and perhaps talk myself out of it. As I walked I became aware of someone coming up behind me and I moved to the edge of the sidewalk, and a runner jogged by.
This was no ordinary jogger. She had to be 70 years old. I stopped and watched as she disappeared out of sight and then abruptly turned and walked home, without the cigarettes. To this day I have no idea who that lady was, but wherever you are...you were a true inspiration to me!
An hour later I was at the Running Room, purchasing shoes and socks. I started running the next day. With some difficulty, I started running for three minutes, and then walking for one minute for a total of maybe 40 minutes. In two months I was running for 10 minutes and walking for one minute and was covering 5k four or five mornings per week! My skin was clear, I had energy abound, my body was better that I had ever seen it (and I was already in my mid 30's). I entered a contest for a marathon in Bermuda and was accepted to be part of Team 96X. I was ecstatic!
I started smoking less than a week after being accepted into the marathon.
What the fuck went wrong here?
I think I finally know.
I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept my victory. I didn't love myself enough to feel like I deserved it. I knew myself to be weak, bad, someone to be ashamed of. Not someone to be celebrated for an achievement such as this. Believing that I was an imposter...I couldn't hold onto this. Plus, if I was so worthy, I might have to start owning it in my personal relationships with the cute villians I surrounded myself with to remind me of my own unworthiness.
I was supported by everyone around me (well, almost everyone, lol) and was told over and over how great I looked. I had put on some muscle, was toned and and carried myself differently. Yet somehow, I just couldn't own it.
Until I love myself, all of me, the light and the dark, giving up smoking will be difficult to impossible. I can take the physical part, its the "you don't matter" that keeps me coming back. Cigarettes are like my weapon of self bludgeoning. Until I see myself and my addiction with a sense of humour and compassion, this habit will keep me from believing that I deserve success, love, and freedom.
What came first? Obviously to start smoking you have to be detached from the idea that you are making a choice that could kill you. You have to feel like you don't matter to even begin this silly habit.
This weekend, I choose to love myself no matter what I choose to do. I believe I will detach from this easily when I feel deserving of the good things life has to offer.
Until next time...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Sweet Dreams...I wish...
Okay, so I have been plagued with crazy dreams as of late. On January 24, I willingly entered the hell of my own creation. For my birthday I spent the whole night meditating, writing, and going within. I may have gone a little too deep. I found a well of sadness there, and plopped myself right into it, up to my neck.
My poor family. One day I will make it up to you guys. In Bali or somewhere warm...
One more day of cigarettes, and my lungs are secretly rejoicing. This afternoon I felt the first tugs of doubt as I thought about this fact on my drive home from work. The Universal Law of Suggestion has been put to the test, and it will be interesting to observe myself undergoing withdrawal. Myself, once again, in a petrie dish, ready to be poked and prodded at the very innermost weaknesses in the name of eventual enlightenment.
One thing I am grateful to have is the support and skills of the practitioners at Andnow. It's amazing how Spirit brings a group together and it is truly wonderful to have a family away from family. My pre-quit smoking hypnosis session with Tracey Martin was this afternoon and I was blown away by what was revealed to me. There's so much in the subconscious that we don't even remember consciously. Sometimes I wonder if everyone is as fucked up as me. It was easier when I wasn't aware that it was all my shit. Actually, it wasn't. I remember those times as being very dramatic. This is better.
Tomorrow is the last day I will begin with a cigarette. I think I will do it very mindfully, in fact, I will smoke mindfully from now until then. My last pack...like a friend who gets you arrested...I know I'm better off without them. Here's to mindful smoking...
My poor family. One day I will make it up to you guys. In Bali or somewhere warm...
One more day of cigarettes, and my lungs are secretly rejoicing. This afternoon I felt the first tugs of doubt as I thought about this fact on my drive home from work. The Universal Law of Suggestion has been put to the test, and it will be interesting to observe myself undergoing withdrawal. Myself, once again, in a petrie dish, ready to be poked and prodded at the very innermost weaknesses in the name of eventual enlightenment.
One thing I am grateful to have is the support and skills of the practitioners at Andnow. It's amazing how Spirit brings a group together and it is truly wonderful to have a family away from family. My pre-quit smoking hypnosis session with Tracey Martin was this afternoon and I was blown away by what was revealed to me. There's so much in the subconscious that we don't even remember consciously. Sometimes I wonder if everyone is as fucked up as me. It was easier when I wasn't aware that it was all my shit. Actually, it wasn't. I remember those times as being very dramatic. This is better.
Tomorrow is the last day I will begin with a cigarette. I think I will do it very mindfully, in fact, I will smoke mindfully from now until then. My last pack...like a friend who gets you arrested...I know I'm better off without them. Here's to mindful smoking...
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